It’s been ages since I wrote, which usually means I need to get how I am feeling about whatever is happening to my dear old Dad out of my system. The Professor had a birthday last month, so is now heading towards his mid-eighties…not that Alzheimer’s Disease will let him remember that.
Or much else, for that matter.
Every now and then I feel weirdly guilty about the time when my brother and I gave Dad one of those birthday cards with a badge attached — the one we picked was one bright orange with navy blue writing, and said “Mentally Confused and Prone to Wandering”. Our then-teenaged selves never once suspected he might actually need such an accoutrement: to us, Dad was so incredibly whip smart and intellectually beyond us that such a thought was ludicrous, particularly as he was then working at the dizzying heights of academia. We made him wear it to the Ivory Tower he worked at, a university which later granted him a PhD after he completed all the course work, oral and written examinations in three languages, his dissertation and his thesis defence in just under two and a half years. All while financially supporting his family.
We thought making Dad wearing the badge to work was absolutely hilarious.
Mentally confused and prone to wandering? Pfft…
And now, several decades later, The Professor is exactly that.
Seven years ago, when he was first diagnosed with dementia, if you did not know The Professor you would have been hard pressed to recognise the signs and symptoms that had alerted us to the fact that all was not well. And now, after years of gradual decline, the past twelve months have produced an accelerating deterioration of his condition.
Even so, The Professor is trying to retain his dignity while his world is so utterly, heartbreakingly diminished.
The man who we would constantly have to ask to slow down when he strode briskly ahead of us now moves unsteadily, and at a glacial pace.
A year ago, crossword puzzles delighted him…but then they became more difficult. He started looking up answers in the back of the book and filling them in. Then those answers became confused, or mis-spelled, or entered into the wrong squares. Now the whole concept is beyond him.
Spoken words, which were once a source of great enjoyment for him — let’s be honest, The Professor was literally a lecturer, both at work and at home — have all but disappeared. He now prefers to use hand gestures and facial expressions to communicate what he wants (or, increasingly, what he doesn’t want). His verbal communication is limited at best, and we have to remind him to use his words.
Use your words.
I thought my days of saying that phrase ended around the time when my children started school.
Turns out I was wrong about that, too.
I haven’t heard him say my name in a long time, and many times when we meet up I can see he has no clear idea who I am. He seems to know, however, that I am someone who loves him, and who is not is going to threaten or harm him in any way.
And so, we take refuge in humour.
If I do end up having a phone conversation with The Professor, which is now almost exclusively one-sided, I try to make him laugh. If we’re on FaceTime, I’ll settle for a smile — or a hint of recognition that he has got whatever joke I’m attempting to make.
My mother, who would definitely win the Nobel Prize for Caregiving if there was such a thing, is still looking after The Professor in their home. I honestly don’t know how sustainable that arrangement will be if he continues to decline, but given it’s something she is currently committed to, I am attempting to support her however I can. We used to try to make light of The Professor letting the (indoor) cat out, but now we’ve been reduced to joking about not letting The Professor out.
The whole situation is unsettling and confusing and seemingly never-ending, but evidently The Professor is not yet ready to leave us.
I suspect I will be more than ready when he does.
That is one thing a diagnosis like The Professor’s gives you: an extended period of time in which to grieve.
And I can honestly say I do not write about this to garner sympathy or attention for myself. Writing enables me to make sense of what I am feeling about a complicated situation, one which I am resigned to and accepting of (even though it absolutely sucks). While these are my words, they are about and for my father, who genuinely deserves all the compassion and consideration in the world.
I choose to write publicly about my experiences to acknowledge and provide a window into The Professor’s ever-shrinking world. To remind my teenaged self that the badge my brother and I gave our Dad was intended, and taken, as a joke — and one we all laughed long and hard at. To give my mother something to refer people to if their questions or kindnesses make it too hard for her to respond. To use my words to tell The Professor’s story now he is unable to tell his own.
So, if you’re reading this, please remember — for as long as your brain allows you to remember — to LIVE!
Live freely, love fiercely, choose wisely and make every single day count.
BJx
In the corner of our back yard stands a Tibouchina tree. Most of the year it is an ordinary, stock standard tree — you know: green leaves, brown trunk, sometimes bits fall off it, other times there are birds in it. But every year in February and March, the Tibouchina tree transforms itself into something truly resplendent, crowned with beautiful purple flowers. Every year it brings a smile to my face — and this year, believe me, it felt extra special.
I never thought I would live in an era when hoarding groceries became a Thing. The silver lining to this unexpected (and more than likely unethical) behaviour, however, is that when I found a four pack of paper towel on the supermarket shelf while doing my aforementioned Catnip Everdeen impression, I felt like I had won Olympic Gold.
Yep, you read that right. Passionfruit. On another of my early morning Catnip Everdeen runs (and believe me, I do them far less frequently than this post is seeming to indicate), I found a whole pile of passionfruit: large, plump and — most importantly — heavy.
It’s no secret Australians are completely, perhaps catastrophically sports mad, and the fact that Coronavirus made its unwelcome appearance in our country just as winter sports seasons were kicking off could be described as…unfortunate? No, let’s be honest, here: it’s been devastating — particularly for Miss Malaprop, who worked super hard to make the A Grade team in our local netball competition, only to have the season scrapped before it started. At least I was able to tell her all the professional sportspeople have been affected, too. The Sydney Swifts won’t be playing either. The Olympics have been postponed. The Melbourne Grand Prix was cancelled…
Another moment of delight also came via screen this week…by the very screen I’m watching these words appear on as I type. This, my little blog, the patch of cyberspace I escape to every now and then to make sense of this crazy old world, ticked over 10,000 views — and this Daydream Believer was delighted.
Last year I finally got around to reading Virginia Woolf’s extended essay, A Room of One’s Own, and I find myself still pondering her words today. Although it was first published in 1929, so much of what Woolf wrote rings true ninety years later: it is a feminist manifesto, delivered gently yet powerfully, bringing the place of women in literature and society into laser-sharp focus.
Our lives are so full, and are lived at such a relentless pace. We bandy around words and phrases like “mindfulness” and “mental load”, but do we ever have time to stop — let alone to imagine?
Even so, I remain hopeful.
Your end is a dead blue wren…
This sprawling family saga had me captivated from the start. Set in Korea and Japan in the early decades of last century, Min Jin Lee’s Pachinko is packed full of detail and emotion. Depicting a way of life and period of history I knew little about, I was swept up in the story of Sunja and her descendants. I found Lee’s treatment of the strange limbo occupied by the Koreans who moved to Japan, even after several generations, interesting and moving.
This autobiographical tale of teaching cello to children in wartorn Afghanistan follows Ayres’ earlier book, Cadence, which was written while he was still known as Emma Ayres, the hugely popular host of ABC Classic FM’s Breakfast program (and a particular family favourite of ours).
Oh, how long we all have waited for this book?! Not nearly as long as Zusak himself who, after the phenomenal success of The Book Thief, wrote and rewrote Bridge of Clay for years until he finally reached a point where he could release into our hands.
Becoming was always going to be a global blockbuster: Michelle Obama is someone many of us admire want to know more about. Here, in her own words, is Obama’s story of her upbringing, her education, her marriage, and her time in the public eye as First Lady of the United States.
Blue Jai: 