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Blue Jai’s Vignettes #6

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Paisley didn’t particularly care for wash day, especially in late October. By the time she hauled the bedsheets onto the line her hands were chapped, bright red against the white linen, and her face felt much the same. The wind had picked up already, whipping the prairie grass into a writhing sea of grey green.

Winter was well and truly on its way to Milk River.

Snow already capped the Sweetgrass Hills across the border. Kátoyissiksi, the Blackfoot called them. Paisley caught glimpses of the peaks between gaps in the sheets as she pegged them steadily on the washing line, the point of West Butte rising high above the others. In her fifteen years, she had never known any other view.

Paisley’s mother had gone into Milk River township for groceries, and her father was working one of the further flung fields of their farm. The canola had just been brought in, and her dad was finishing up the harvest before the snows began their inevitable fall. Her younger brother, Tyson, had begged to go along with their mother, to watch the harvest being loaded into the massive grain elevators on the outskirts of town.

There was no question Ty would take over the farm when he was old enough. The only reason her brother had learned to read was so he could consult the Farmer’s Almanac and join in conversations with his father and grandfather about weather predictions, crop rotations and soil quality.

Paisley had learned to read for a very different reason.

She eased one last crumbling wooden peg onto the line, securing a pillowcase against the whipping wind. A novel was already tucked into the deep pocket of her pinnafore, an Agatha Christie mystery whose worn pages Paisley had already read several times before. Death on the Nile was preferable to the Farmer’s Almanac any day of the week.

Grabbing an apple from the wizened tree at the back of the farmstead, Paisley stowed the wicker washing basket back in the wash house and latched the gate on her way out. Guessing she had less than an hour before her mother’s battered brown Oldsmobile lumbered into the garage, she took off at a run. Paisley’s favourite place to sit was inside a clump of juniper bushes overlooking a bend of the Milk River itself. There she could hide herself away, observing the off-white waters of the river rushing by, surrounded by hoodoos and cliffs which — if you knew where to look — were inscribed with ancient petroglyphs.

Paisley knew where every last engraving was, knew the outline of the rocky outcrops as well as she knew the back of her own hand. But today, just for a while, she was about to rejoin Hercule Poirot as he approached Abu Simbel, and the Milk River suddenly looked very much like the Nile…

This has been one of Blue Jai’s Vignettes — where I play with words to provide a pop of fictional colour in your day. If you have enjoyed this post, feel free to click the follow button at the top of the page. I’d also love to hear your comments, or for you to tell me how you would have responded to the picture prompt intsead.

Blue Jai’s Vignettes #5

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Alethea had been walking for days, and she could feel it in every muscle of her body. Her pack sat heavily on her back, the leather straps digging into her shoulders. Her boots, waterlogged after fording the many streams that criss-crossed the forest, felt like twice their normal weight as she slogged her way along the Kingsway.

The mouldering leaf litter smelled dank and vaguely rotten as she trudged along, and the morning mist seeped into her clothes.

Everything felt damp.

Alethea was also beginning to feel cold. She had not been able to light a fire since she entered the forest three days earlier. The golden sundrenched wheat fields had given way to coppices and tree-lined glades, and as Alethea had ventured onwards the woods had grown steadily thicker and darker. Mists clung to the trees, giving way to drizzling rain more often than not.

The Kingsway wound through mile after mile of forest. Alethea had been keeping to the edge of the path, ready to melt into the undergrowth at a moment’s notice. She walked quietly and deliberately, but after spending so much time in the deep quiet of the woods her footfalls thudded in her ears, along with her heartbeat — the thumping in her chest keeping time with the tramping of her feet. All she had to do was keep putting one foot in front of the other, and make it to the Silver City before Samhain.

Even though she had not seen another soul since entering the forest, Alethea remained alert: the Kingsway was the only route through the dense woodland, and she was well aware a young woman making the arduous journey alone was an easy target. As the drizzle gave way to an unrelenting downpour, Alethea sighed and pulled the hood of her jacket further over her face, grateful for the double layer of protection the cowled neck of her garment gave her. She plodded onwards, resolutely dismissing thoughts of a warm fire, dry clothes, and a hot meal.

A flash of red caught Alethea’s eye through the rain — a robin, the first creature of any kind she had seen in many miles, had flown directly across the path in front of her. Alethea stopped in her tracks and watched the little bird as it hopped from vine to branch, making its way up the slope on the right hand side of the path. The rain eased momentarily, and Alethea glimpsed something unusual beneath the dripping bough of the oak the robin had just alighted on: the beginnings of a stone staircase.

Alethea looked up and down the Kingsway, even though she was quite certain she was alone, and quickly made her way across the path. Scrambling through the sodden undergrowth, inwardly cursing the wet branches lashing at her face and body, she soon arrived at the place where the stone staircase began winding its way upwards between mossy rocks. The robin was hopping his way up the steps ahead of her, the feathers of his breast flaring red against the grey stone.

Alethea’s breath caught.

At the top of the stairs was a small, circular tower with an arched doorway and two similarly shaped windows set into the wall above. She crept upwards, taking care not to make any sound, and peered at the archway. Alethea could see rusted hinges on the side of the doorway, and realised the wooden door that must have once stood here had long since rotted away. She sniffed carefully: there was no scent of smoke, of food, of anything other than the decaying leaf litter that layered the forest floor.

With a final glance behind her, Alethea took a deep breath and stepped inside the tower…

This has been one of Blue Jai’s Vignettes — where I play with words to provide a pop of fictional colour in your day. If you have enjoyed this post, feel free to click the follow button at the top of the page. I’d also love to hear your comments, or for you to tell me how you would have responded to the picture prompt intsead.

Now that I have written this, I’m also wondering whether this could be a different part of the story I created in Blue Jai’s Vignettes #2? Could Alethea be walking through the Forest of Andyr referenced by Sullivan and Lady Ariana Crane? Let me know in the comments if you’d like me to explore more of this world…

Blue Jai’s Vignettes #4

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Ellie really liked Joe, but she wasn’t sure how to tell him.

When he’d arrived at Crickwood High at the beginning of second term, heaps of girls had been interested in him: swarming around, waiting in clusters for the bus, all trying to figure out who he might be into.

Joe was tall. He was reasonably well muscled. He had curly hair which flopped in a slightly dorky but adorable way into his eyes. He looked nice, smelled nice, was nice.

And yet, not long after arriving at Crickwood, Joe had decided the gaggles of girls at the bus stop weren’t worth his time, and had apparently — inexplicably — chosen to befriend Ellie instead.

Ellie now suspected the fact she had been wearing a muscle tee saying “BOWIE” provided the biggest clue as to why Joe had slung himself into the seat next to hers on the bus one afternoon.

“You a fan?” was the first thing he’d asked her, nodding at the rainbow of letters emblazoned across her chest, which included — of course — a lightning bolt in place of the “I”.

Ellie had attempted a nonchalant shrug in response, deciding after one sidelong glance into Joe’s blue eyes there was no way she was admitting the Bowie tee was actually her mother’s.

“I guess. I like a lot of different music.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Hunky Dory.”

Joe had laughed — not at her, but with her — appreciating the fact that she had gone there, making the corniest of jokes. And ever since that day, they sat together as they rode the bus home.

Music was what they talked about. Mostly. There wasn’t a huge amount to do in Crickwood after school — apart from hitting the gym alongside all the girls attempting to squat their way to a backside rivalling one of the Kardashians, or working the check out aisles at the local Coles. On the rare afternoons they had homework, Ellie and Joe went to the library. But most of the time they just hung out, propping themselves up against the wall of the milk bar, talking about music and bands.

Ellie’s mum had said it was OK — even it she had been a bit distracted at the time, trying to get an assignment finished for the uni course she was studying part time.

“Can I hang out with Joe this afternoon?”

“The new kid?”

“Yeah.”

“Where’d they move from again?”

“Sydney, I think?”

“Christ on a bike. Why the hell would anyone move to Crickwood?”

“Probably the mine.”

“Mmmm…probably…can you pass me that green text book?”

As time went on, Ellie had just about run out of music-related things Joe might find remotely interesting, and reluctantly found herself asking her mum about what she listened to during high school. She felt simultaneously bemused and embarrassed by her mother’s enthusiastic sharing of Spotify playlists, but was grateful all the same. The Violent Femmes, Pearl Jam, REM, the Pixies, Massive Attack, Lou Reed, and the Ramones all found their way into her ears via her mum’s recommendations. And Bowie — always David Bowie.

Ellie realised conversations about music were bringing her closer to her mother as well as to Joe, which felt a bit weird.

Weird but good.

“Hey Ellie — how about you ask your friend Jo over for dinner this Friday? I’ve finally finished all my exams and assignments, so maybe we could get takeaway. It’d be nice to finally meet her.”

Wait, what — her?

This has been one of Blue Jai’s Vignettes — where I play with words to provide a pop of fictional colour in your day. If you have enjoyed this post, feel free to click the follow button at the top of the page. I’d also love to hear your comments, or for you to tell me how you would have responded to the picture prompt intsead.

Blue Jai’s Vignette’s #3

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Slap, slap, slap…

The clatter of her sandals on the cobblestones made Mariana anxious and jittery.

Rome was dangerous after dark.

The villa was being watched, and she had been warned attempting to be stealthy was more likely to attract unwanted attention. She understood she was almost certainly being followed, and was convinced there were eyes tracking her every move — not that she could see them.

Mariana carefully adjusted the palla concealing her face and tried to step quietly and confidently, the way her mistress, Calpurnia, would.

Calpurnia, who had loaned her the expensive palla beneath which she hid.

Calpurnia, who had entrusted Mariana with the message hidden deep beneath the folds of her stola, sending her out into the gathering darkness with a single unliveried servant bearing a swinging, sputtering lantern.

Calpurnia, wife of Julius Ceasar, whose husband had just been brutally murdered.

The columns of Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus loomed portentously above Mariana as she made her way down the Capitoline Hill into the Forum. She kept a cautious distance from the servant striding purposefully ahead of her, sticking to the shadows just beyond the circle of bobbing lanternlight. Never before had she been so accutely aware of the vast number of columns surrounding her — some decorating the facades of buildings, others displaying statues, all of them capable of hiding a well-armed man behind them.

The moon was rising swiftly above the Palatine Hill, a huge golden orb just past full. The Ides of March had fallen only two days prior, the same day Caesar had fallen.

Beneath her clothing, Mariana could feel the slip of parchment Calpurnia had handed to her minutes before digging into her skin, each sharply folded edge pricking like a knife…

This has been one of Blue Jai’s Vignettes — where I play with words to provide a pop of fictional colour in your day. If you have enjoyed this post, feel free to click the follow button at the top of the page. I’d also love to hear your comments, or for you to tell me how you would have responded to the picture prompt intsead.

Blue Jai’s Vignettes #2

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The early morning mist had not yet lifted when the bird alighted behind her, taking several elegant steps to join her at the water’s edge.

“Report,” she commanded.

The bird inclined his head.

The Vespyn armies are massing in the Borderlands, along the edge of the Forest of Andyr. We do not have much time.

She could hear his voice clearly in her head, as cutting as the icy breeze biting the bare skin between her shoulder blades.

“And the Messendyr? Will they come?”

I believe so, but the more pressing question is whether they can mobilise in time. We have requested archers and cavalry, together with a small detachment of Pine Riders, renowned for being best scouts within the Forest. Bastian flew south two days ago to press our case with General Tausten and is expected to return before nightfall.

Ariana considered his words in silence. She did not doubt Bastian’s powers of persuasion, nor the Messendyrs’ abilities in battle. When General Tausten’s forces combined with the troops she had already rallied beneath her blue-grey banner they should be able to foil an attack — provided they could cross the River Arden, navigate the narrow paths of the Forest of Andyr and take up an advantageous position beneath the pines and firs on the Forest’s edge before the Vespyns did.

Sullivan was right, as usual.

What they needed most was time.

Surreptitiously, she observed his reflection in the water. His posture was strong and sure, as always, but even in avian form she could detect a weariness around his eyes.

“How long is it since you resumed human form?” she asked quietly, folding her arms against the morning chill. Shapeshifting was as dangerous as it was difficult, mastered by only a few highly accomplished Adepts. Ariana was all too aware Sullivan’s position was more problematic than that of most Shapeshifters: he was nobleborn as well as Adept, a hazardous combination which forced him to choose constantly between conflicting loyalties. That said, she could not fault his steadfast allegience to herself and her cause.

Two nights, he responded eventually.

Ariana turned her head to look at him directly for the first time since he landed, accutely aware of the pair of servants crunching their way towards them over the wide expanse of gravel in front of the chateau.

“Be careful, my feathered friend.”

The bird dipped his head in response, opened his wings and took off, flying low above the slate coloured water.

Always, my Lady Crane…

This has been one of Blue Jai’s Vignettes — where I play with words to provide a pop of fictional colour in your day. If you have enjoyed this post, feel free to click the follow button at the top of the page. I’d also love to hear your comments, or for you to tell me how you would have responded to the picture prompt intsead.

Blue Jai’s Vignettes #1

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It’s time for something new on Blue Jai Creative. Rather than simply musing, the Daydream Believer is going to do one of her favourite things: play with words!

Here’s how it will work…I’ll find and post a random picture, then use it as a writing prompt. You can like it, scroll past it, comment on it, tell me what you would have done instead, or enjoy it as a pop of fictional colour in your day.

Welcome to Blue Jai’s Vignettes!

Dorothy Brownlow was not having it.

There was no way she would let Janice McNulty’s snide remarks get her down, just as surely she was not buying Janice a cup of coffee after aqua aerobics — even though it was almost certainly her turn.

So what if she had inadvertently picked up her shower cap from the hook on the back of the bathroom door? Hank had decided to leave early for golf, muttering something about having his putter fixed at the pro shop, and it wasn’t until he dropped her at the pool that she realised her error — not that it was a big deal. Dorothy had been to the hairdresser only two days before, and the shower cap wouldn’t squash her freshly-set curls the way her thick rubber swimming cap did. Besides, if Marjorie Guthrie chose to wear that ridiculous straw sun visor during class every week, how come Janice had never felt the need to comment on that?

No, Dorothy was not having it.

She had opted not to take up her customary place beside Janice in the front row of the class, even though it afforded the best vantage point for observing Donny, the aqua aerobics instructor, in his tank top and trim white shorts. Instead, she had tucked the arms of her natty catseye sunglasses securely beneath the elastic of her blue shower cap, and chose a position in the second row directly behind her so-called friend.

It was early spring in Florida, and begonias and black-eyed Susans were beginning to bloom beyond the neat row of white sun lounges beneath the pooside palm trees. Insects droned and buzzed above the red and pink petals, while in the pool the water was refreshing and cool. The second row, Dorothy considered, offered her a more than satisfactory view of the vibrant flowers and the handsome instructor. She felt a smug and satified smile turning up the corners of her mouth as she followed Donny’s commands, putting her hands on her hips and stretching backwards, tilting her face towards the sun.

As the class went on, the women raised and lowered their arms in accordance with Donny’s instructions, twirled in the water, kicked their legs and hopped from foot to foot. Still smarting from Janice’s nasty comments, Dorothy was periodically seized by a juvenile urge to pull a face behind her friend’s back, but found herself increasingly mesmerised by the back of her friend’s head. Unlike her plain and practical shower cap, Janice’s swimming cap was bedecked with chunky yellow and orange flowers, bobbing like a bouquet in the water in front of her, around which an alarming number of bees had begun to swarm…

The Curse of Inigo Montoya

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I was driving my elder daughter to school this morning when Marvel Girl made the unexpected announcement that she had watched The Princess Bride again last night. As someone who has watched that film approximately eleventy-six times, I was filled with a warmish sense of maternal pride. I say warm-ish because it was precisely eleven degrees and blustery outside (and that, as any self-respecting Sydneysider knows, is what we proclaim around here to be cold — along with any other celsius temperature reading that fails to begin with the number 2 and is followed by another digit).

I am still unsure what prompted Marvel Girl to take another look at one of the favourite films of my childhood, and as a result have been afflicted ever since I dropped her off by what I am now grandiosely (and ever so slightly theatrically) referring to as the Curse of Inigo Montoya.

Although Inigo’s more famous and oft-quoted line in The Princess Bride features him introducing himself and then advising his foe that they should prepare to die (in what some have described as a masterclass in effective networking), I believe another of his classic statements is entirely more relatable and have thus co-opted it to form the basis of said Curse.

Even if you’ve only seen the movie once, you know the line:

I hate waiting.

See? TOTALLY RELATABLE. I defy you to present me with a single person on the planet who actually enjoys waiting. Even though waiting is something we all have to do — it could even be said to be a defining feature of the human condition — I genuinely believe the person who finds waiting pleasurable is about as rare as say…oh, I dunno, someone with six fingers on their right hand?

Waiting SUCKS.

Anyone who has held on for any kind of meaningful response (and I include this category everything from academic scores, job applications, marriage proposals and — probably worst of all — medical test results) knows how agonisingly dreadful waiting is. Samuel Beckett clearly knew all about it: Waiting for Godot goes exactly nowhere yet somehow keeps audiences riveted to their seats.

The slippery, torturous and endlessly annoying thing about waiting, you see, is that the tantalising promise of some kind of result or outcome forces us to endure the unbearable space between.

I wrote a while back about the liminal places in our lives when I was in the process of finishing my novel. But now, now that I have shepherded my words onto the page and guided them into the hands of a prospective publisher, I am back in that space between again. This is not nearly as simple as waiting for Marvel Girl to get home to ask her why she watched The Princess Bride again (and to apologise for forgetting to ask her how her English exam went yesterday — yet another maternal fail). The stakes feel so much higher and, depending on the day, they are tangled up with words like worthiness and success and the unthinkable opposites of those.

This, my friends, is the Curse of Inigo Montoya.

And yet, The Princess Bride gives me hope.

Inigo Montoya, though cursed to wait, never gives up. Buttercup never stops loving Westley. Miracle Max somehow finds a way to pull off a marvellous death-defying feat. The baddies (even the Rodents Of Unusual Size) get beaten, the goodies rescue the princess, true love prevails, and the world now knows the true meaning of the phrase, “As you wish”.

It’s all quite heartening, really.

Waiting is giving me the opportunity to tinker here, in my little patch of cyberspace, for the first time in months. It’s allowing me to read books occupying the same genre I write (which I tend to avoid when creating to avoid becoming at all derivative), to listen to podcasts I wouldn’t normally have time to (which led this morning to me snort laughing when I heard the enormously intelligent and wickedly funny Marina Hyde describing the long-feuding Cyrus family as “Tennessee Lannisters”), to plan extensively detailed holiday itineraries, to cook things I haven’t made for ages or haven’t ever made — the list goes on and on and on — and all because waiting, much as I find it utterly and completely maddening, waiting gives me the space and time to do all these things.

Turns out the Curse of Inigo Montoya may be a blessing in disguise.

And so, my friends, whatever you find yourself waiting for, may you find Inigo’s Blessing rather than his Curse.

Mind yourselves,

BJx

The Best Way Out is Always Through

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I took all our Christmas stuff down this morning.

The tree, the decorations, the lights, all the little vignettes I had created in various parts of the house — everything was bundled back into boxes and put away.

To be honest, it’s not a task I particularly enjoy. It might not sound like a big job, but given that I have managed to accumulate baubles and tinsel in every colour of the rainbow, not to mention all manner of decorations from tiny timber cottages to little green pine trees to sprigs of lifelike mistletoe to shiny bead garlands and butterflies and bows and even an angel we call Shazza that I use to decorate our home come Christmas time, it is actually more onerous a prospect than one may think.

At the beginning of December, I keep adding Christmassy bits and pieces all over the house until I feel it looks suitably festive (and also completely out of season, since it’s high summer here in the Antipodes). Come the end of the month, removing it all takes considerable time and effort, and the sort of self-discipline that is required when you’re sorely tempted to chuck anything and everything into an oversized container rather than making sure it’s properly stowed. The whole process inevitably ends up with me covered in a tonne of glitter and cursing when I discover one last recalcitrant string of bunting or a rogue wreath hiding where I forgotten I’d put it.

Despite the drawbacks, however, putting the Christmas away it is a job I tend to do on 31 December every year. It helps me make space for the new year. And every year — especially in the years since we rebuilt our house — I find myself delighted by the all the space that opens up once the tree and all the decorations come down.

This year, it felt positively E X P A N S I V E.

Like a massive, audible sigh of relief…perhaps that 2024, which has been a challenging year in ways I never expected, is about to make way for a new year.

So, as I wandered around the house this morning, collecting decorations and sorting them into colours and stowing them carefully away, I found myself reflecting on some of the things 2024 has taught me.

The Best Way Out is Always Through

    I thank Robert Frost for this old thought, because it’s still a good one — and I found it applied to 2024 in several ways. For me, 2024 will always be the year I FINISHED WRITING MY NOVEL! I can still recall writing the first sentence of my book, which has remained (quite remarkably) unchanged after all these years. But I suspect I will never forget the spine-tingling excitement that accompanied the moment when my fingers typed the last sentence, and I knew it was the last sentence, and that it was a good finish. I might have even taken a photo of the date and time in the corner of my laptop screen, so momentous did that occasion feel…but that is a tale for another time.

    The phrase has also applied to my husband battling some health challenges in 2024, and to the various operations and tests and bits and pieces he’s gone through over the year. We know it’s not over yet, but the best way out is always through has a ring of truth to it about that I find myself trusting in. The Bloke and I have weathered storms before, and we will ride this one out as well. (Go us).

    Water is Really, Really Good for You

    This may seem to be an obvious statement, especially coming someone who has been on the planet for the better part of five decades, but it is something I am still learning. Just typing that line reminded me to get up and pour myself a glass of water. Being better hydrated is life-changing. If nothing else, it provides a fabulous boost to your skin care regime. But for me, water has been helpful in other ways too. Showers are particularly therapeutic. So is swimming the our backyard pool (especially if I’m alone and if it’s been recently cleaned and it’s a clear sunny day). And if I’m feeling down, looking at the ocean always makes me feel better, even if only for a few minutes.

    Unpacking Intergenerational “STUFF” is Useful

    I’ve been fortunate to have had great support as I’ve navigated this year, from friends to professionals who have enabled me to get through (which we now know is the best way out) and to see things from different perspectives. One thing that changed me for the better in 2024 was identifying some of the patterns of behaviour I had been raised with which, for better or for worse, have impacted the way I live and raise my own children. Please understand I am not suggesting I had a traumatic or abusive childhood — far from it. But I think there are learned behaviours every person takes into their adult life from their formative years, and I have found it worthwhile examining or re-examining my own behaviours to see if they fit with how I want to live my life today.

    It’s as the late, great Maya Angelou said: Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. The older I get the more I am aware of how much my life is a work in progress.

    Live Music is Genuinely Amazing

    2024 is a year in which I went to two massive concerts: Taylor Swift and Coldplay. I got to see them both with Marvel Girl, one with Miss Malaprop and one with one of my dearest friends. And about 80,000 other people on both occasions.

    There is nothing quite like the feeling of rocking up to a gigantic stadium to see an artist perform. They are doing what they love, you are there because you love what they do. And everyone else is there for the same reason. Being at a concert is one of the most joyful experiences in the world, and can be (even for this introvert) the best expression of being in a crowd. In Sydney we’re lucky that when major events are on special trains and buses run, so even getting to and from the event is a positive experience, shared with people who are just as excited to be going/have been to see and hear someone whose music they love.

    Other Random Learnings from 2024…

    • My favourite cocktail is a French 75.
    • If you ask for what you want, you should be prepared to get it.
    • The unmistakably awful sound of a small child attempting to play a recorder is a complete and total nuisance in your house, but can be quite funny if it’s happening over the back fence.
    • I really like dresses with pockets.
    • I’m waaaaay too old to keep up with my kids’ slang.
    • Persistence pays off.

    I’m sure there are plenty of other things I learned this year, most of which will come to me right after Ihit the publish button, but those are the random musings that came to me this morning.

    And, since I love books, I thought I would leave you this year with a blessing for the new year from a great fantasy novel I read recently, because it’s full of passion and integrity and ever so slightly over the top — and those are all good things to be in this life.

    May you be strong and courageous. May your enemies kneel before you. May you find the answers you seek. May you be victorious and spirits-blessed, and may peace follow as your shadow.

    Mind yourselves,

    BJx

    Unchartered Waters

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    I’ve been writing a lot lately, though not here.

    Or, more accurately, I have been revising my novel — filling in plot holes, teasing out unnecessary words, working on phrases and sentences and paragraphs and pages and chapters until…now.

    I am in unchartered waters.

    I have revised and rewritten until I have caught myself up, and what lies ahead is unborn and unwritten.

    It is a strange place to be, this liminal world in between the creation and the act. It is a shadowy space, where the voices in my head begin their whisperings, where I listen until one of them suggests something that sparks an idea that takes hold and forms itself into something on the page.

    I have a rough outline in my head of how my novel will end, but I have listened to the whispers for long enough to know that they have minds of their own, and that they fashion what they will, when they want to. When I am quiet and still enough to let them, they tell me things I do not expect, take me places I did not know existed, and reveal truths I had not excavated.

    Sometimes a single blank page appears to be infinitesimally small, adrift upon a great heaving ocean of unformed creations.

    Other times words come slowly, drip by drip.

    But when I allow myself to settle in that liminal space, sentences often come in streams — flowing out in descriptions and dialogue and drama — and I know I have sat long enough to be allowed the privilege of navigating that wild and watery world, hoping against hope that before too long, I will sight land.

    The Professor’s Mind and Body Wander…

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    It’s been ages since I wrote, which usually means I need to get how I am feeling about whatever is happening to my dear old Dad out of my system. The Professor had a birthday last month, so is now heading towards his mid-eighties…not that Alzheimer’s Disease will let him remember that.

    Or much else, for that matter.

    Every now and then I feel weirdly guilty about the time when my brother and I gave Dad one of those birthday cards with a badge attached — the one we picked was one bright orange with navy blue writing, and said “Mentally Confused and Prone to Wandering”. Our then-teenaged selves never once suspected he might actually need such an accoutrement: to us, Dad was so incredibly whip smart and intellectually beyond us that such a thought was ludicrous, particularly as he was then working at the dizzying heights of academia. We made him wear it to the Ivory Tower he worked at, a university which later granted him a PhD after he completed all the course work, oral and written examinations in three languages, his dissertation and his thesis defence in just under two and a half years. All while financially supporting his family.

    We thought making Dad wearing the badge to work was absolutely hilarious.

    Mentally confused and prone to wandering? Pfft…

    And now, several decades later, The Professor is exactly that.

    Seven years ago, when he was first diagnosed with dementia, if you did not know The Professor you would have been hard pressed to recognise the signs and symptoms that had alerted us to the fact that all was not well. And now, after years of gradual decline, the past twelve months have produced an accelerating deterioration of his condition.

    Even so, The Professor is trying to retain his dignity while his world is so utterly, heartbreakingly diminished.

    The man who we would constantly have to ask to slow down when he strode briskly ahead of us now moves unsteadily, and at a glacial pace.

    A year ago, crossword puzzles delighted him…but then they became more difficult. He started looking up answers in the back of the book and filling them in. Then those answers became confused, or mis-spelled, or entered into the wrong squares. Now the whole concept is beyond him.

    Spoken words, which were once a source of great enjoyment for him — let’s be honest, The Professor was literally a lecturer, both at work and at home — have all but disappeared. He now prefers to use hand gestures and facial expressions to communicate what he wants (or, increasingly, what he doesn’t want). His verbal communication is limited at best, and we have to remind him to use his words.

    Use your words.

    I thought my days of saying that phrase ended around the time when my children started school.

    Turns out I was wrong about that, too.

    I haven’t heard him say my name in a long time, and many times when we meet up I can see he has no clear idea who I am. He seems to know, however, that I am someone who loves him, and who is not is going to threaten or harm him in any way.

    And so, we take refuge in humour.

    If I do end up having a phone conversation with The Professor, which is now almost exclusively one-sided, I try to make him laugh. If we’re on FaceTime, I’ll settle for a smile — or a hint of recognition that he has got whatever joke I’m attempting to make.

    My mother, who would definitely win the Nobel Prize for Caregiving if there was such a thing, is still looking after The Professor in their home. I honestly don’t know how sustainable that arrangement will be if he continues to decline, but given it’s something she is currently committed to, I am attempting to support her however I can. We used to try to make light of The Professor letting the (indoor) cat out, but now we’ve been reduced to joking about not letting The Professor out.

    The whole situation is unsettling and confusing and seemingly never-ending, but evidently The Professor is not yet ready to leave us.

    I suspect I will be more than ready when he does.

    That is one thing a diagnosis like The Professor’s gives you: an extended period of time in which to grieve.

    And I can honestly say I do not write about this to garner sympathy or attention for myself. Writing enables me to make sense of what I am feeling about a complicated situation, one which I am resigned to and accepting of (even though it absolutely sucks). While these are my words, they are about and for my father, who genuinely deserves all the compassion and consideration in the world.

    I choose to write publicly about my experiences to acknowledge and provide a window into The Professor’s ever-shrinking world. To remind my teenaged self that the badge my brother and I gave our Dad was intended, and taken, as a joke — and one we all laughed long and hard at. To give my mother something to refer people to if their questions or kindnesses make it too hard for her to respond. To use my words to tell The Professor’s story now he is unable to tell his own.

    So, if you’re reading this, please remember — for as long as your brain allows you to remember — to LIVE!

    Live freely, love fiercely, choose wisely and make every single day count.

    BJx